Monkey See
8:04 am
Thu December 13, 2012

The 'Calm Act' Will Quiet Down Commercials, So What Should Congress Do Next?

COME RIGHT DOWN RIGHT NOW BUY SOME FURNITURE EVERYTHING MUST GO WE ARE LIQUIDATING MERCHANDISE FOR THE THIRD TIME SINCE LAST FEBRUARY AND THIS TIME WE REALLY MEAN IT WE ARE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS ANY REASONABLE OFFER WILL BE ACCEPTED OR MY NAME ISN'T CRAZYPANTS MCGILLICUDDY.*

If this is what television commercials sound like to you, Congress has you covered. Beginning today, because of the "CALM Act" (it stands for Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation), by federal law and accompanying FCC regulations, commercials aren't allowed to be any louder on average than the shows they accompany. This should mean that you won't have to ... well, it wouldn't be "jump out of your chair," since we don't do that anymore, but you won't have to jerk your arm up from the armrest and knock over your glass as you grab for the remote and reduce the volume because all of a sudden, the man from the furniture store is screaming at you about THE LOWEST PRICES.

But let's not give up our momentum. My ears demand more help! No taxation without noise mitigation! Pass these now, before it gets loud again!

1. The Pokemon Electronic Whizbang Popcap EA Worldofwarcraft Put an End to it Would you Act (PEWPEWPEW): Requires anyone playing a video game in the presence of others for more than five minutes to offer to turn off or turn down any incidental music, monkey noises, pops, zaps, bloops, and voices saying "FINISH HIM."

2. The Construction Hurts Everyone Really Everywhere Act (C-HERE). Authorizes anyone living or working within two blocks of a piledriver to lean out the window and scream, "NOW SEE HERE," at which point the operator of the piledriver must apologize profusely and desist immediately.

3. The Well, I Live Downstairs, And That Hurts Ears And Ruins Things Act (WILD AT HEART). Does not allow anyone with neighbors to own instruments on a list to be established by regulation by the FCC, which must include but not be limited to drums, bagpipes, and trumpets.

4. The Bass Mitigation and Minimization and Booming Metal Moderation Act (BMM-BMM). Defines as "intolerable vibrating noise" anything that allows identification of the bass line but does not transmit the melody.

5. The Sidewalk Noises Of Winter Just Eliminate Real Kindness Act (SNOW JERK). Requires anyone who runs a snowblower before 9:00 in the morning on a weekend to blow the snow off of everyone's driveway in the entire neighborhood, and then serve hot chocolate, and then stop doing that forever.

*NO BACKSIES.

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