The Saturday before Thanksgiving is Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. Established by Congress 15 years ago, at the urging of Senator Harry Reid who lost his father to suicide, it’s a day when people affected by suicide can gather for support and understanding. Locally events are being held in La Selva Beach and for the first time on the Monterey Peninsula.
Dawn McGahan (DM) is helping to organize the Monterey gathering. She’s a member of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the organization behind these events across the country. She also lost her husband to suicide. She says the conference is a stepping stone in healing from a devastating loss.
DM: I don’t believe you move on from a loss. I believe you learn to live with it one day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time. The grief associated with suicide is often times complex. It’s complicated by trauma, by feelings of guilt. Sometimes there’s isolation and a sense of abandonment. So being with others who are also navigating this unspeakable sorrow can offer hope and inspiration. We hope to create an atmosphere of understanding and acceptance. Personally I look to the words of Claude AnShin Thomas he is a Buddhist Monk and Vietnam Veteran. He says healing is not the absence of pain and suffering. It’s learning to live in a new relationship with our pain.
KA: As a survivor of suicide loss, what has helped you most in the time following your husband’s death?
DM: Before Scott’s passing I could not have imagined a world without him in it. At the time I felt like a Tsunami had swept through my life and it was unrecognizable to me. What kept me grounded especially during those first weeks and month was the love and support of those around me: my family and my friends, thoughts of our children and our grandchildren, having an extraordinary spiritual counselor and also growing in the awareness that my relationship with my husband continues. I feel now I am living for both of us. My journey now is to share my story in hopes of breaking through the stigma and propel change.
KA: What is the stigma associated with suicide?
DM: Often times it’s just not spoken of, the suicide. It can been hidden or misrepresented. There can be an avoidance of those who have lost a loved one. There may be judgment of a person who passed by suicide or of their family for not having prevented it. In my experience, there were close friends who were absent from my life. Later, they told me, they didn’t know what to say, they didn’t know how to approach me. Thankfully there were many others who have been an enormous blessing and that has sustained me.
KA: You mention a bit of a mixed reaction in your circle of friends and family, what is the best way to reach out to someone who has lost a loved one through suicide?
DM: I think the essential thing is to reach out. To connect with them, stay connected with them. Listening and being present can be monumental to someone in pain. Don’t stop speaking about their loved one in the weeks and months ahead. Not mentioning their loved one does not stop them from thinking about them.
KA: Do you hope this event will help survivors moved past that stigma or feeling of isolation?
DM: Our hope is that gathering with others can help to normalize our feelings and allow us to process the loss. For those who are recently bereaved or have unresolved grief maybe because they’ve been isolating, this may be their first opportunity to speak openly about their loss and begin to facilitate healing.
Saturday, November 22nd
8:30am to 1:30pm
Monterey Veteran’s Clinic
3401 Engineer Lane
Seaside
Saturday, November 22nd
10:00am to 12:00pm
La Selva Community Church
26 Florido Avenue
La Selva Beach
Find other Survivor Day events at survivorday.org